What I can never ask
by Ranko's Knight
Summary: A combination of soliloquay and short story... Conan has permanent amnesia and Ran 3 year's latter wonder's, as she must call her little brother every day by a name not his... is this what Shinichi felt?
1. Chapter 1

Author Ranko's Knight

I don't own Detective conan, Someone whos name is so comical I cant remember it does…

A little Soliloquay with a short story inside it..

… If I get some reviews it will probably have a whole story written describing the events leading to it…

What I can never ask…

_Conan chan's 10 year's old now he plays so happily with his friend's the Junior detective league_

_He's recently started to reacquaint himself with his old Sherlock holmes novel's, and is even studying the basic's of detective work…_

_It was decided after the car accident that I would be told everything… about the apotoxin, his reason for not telling me everything… I still remember Ai's cold tone as she explained it all…_

_I was furious at him and his group of conspirator's but as Ai quickly reminded me… it was unproductive to be angry at Conan… the chance of him ever meaningfully recovering his memorys was almost negligible… he'd need a parent, to discipline him and protect him._

_And I was probably the best person for the job…_

_His own parents seriously contended it was their right… but in the end his father convinced his mother that I could probably provide a better environment for an amnesiac child…_

_It was uncomfortable, to say the least, for the first 3 or 4 week's knowing the little boy who had once, always been wandering off and getting himself into dangerous situations , had in fact been my childhood friend, who I had hoped to make my boyfriend…_

_And I'll confess I watched almost paranoid the first time or two I took a bath with him after that to see if he was looking at me lecherously…but…._

_But their was nothing at all but the innocent gaze of a child…_

_I've come to love my Conan-chan every bit as much as I loved Shinichi, that's the truth… but I find myself wondering at… what I might have had with Shinichi._

_And sometimes I find myself Crying at night… not because Shinichi is missing and will only contact me at rare interval's but because the Shinichi I knew, is dead…_

"Nee-chan, Nee-chan" Conan-chan yelled as he ran into his surrogate mother's room

"Why are you crying nee-chan?"

Ran tried to wipe her tear's, she had to show her Imoutoko, almost her Musako that she was strong…

"I'm fine Conan-chan I was just thinking… about Shinichi."

"Ooooh" he said understandably

"The man who you were in love with… the man who died 2 year's ago?"

She nodded

"Yes Conan-chan… that's exactly him… I really loved Conan-chan… I havent fallen in love with anyone else sense then… and even if I do… I'll never be over shinichi."

Conan frowned…

Since his amnesia 2 year's ago he had built a solid identity for himself…

His Biological Mother Fumiyo was so often out of the country she only occasionaly had time for him though she positively doted on him when she was around, but he felt towards her as most boy's would to an aunt…

Maybe he'd get closer to her when he could join her overseas.

But for now… he needed to be _here _ with his Ran-Neechan

He had joined the local soccer team… and was even showing some interest such as violin music, Shinichi never had.

But he had had little experience with romance, beyond Ayumi's insistence she was his girlfriend, and occasional sad look's from Ai.

"I don't think I understand romance Mommy"

:he blushed at the slip of his tongue:

"I'm sorry… it's just that…"

:she shook her head: "I understand Your mother's not arround that much… but please, don't call me that too often, ok, if she was to think I was trying to replace her…"

:he nodded:

She smiled, and was happy, that this time, it was a REAL little boy who heard her word's

"You won't always thank girl's are gross Conan when you grow up you'll find a girl you like"

"well their's two girl's Ayumi-chan… and sometime Habuara-san seems interested in me"

Ran nodded

"Now Conan-chan… you have a test tomorrow at school, so scoot yourself back to bed now"

_It was the decision of Habuara Ai, when it was determined kudo Shinichi simply wasn't going to regain his memorie's, without an incredibly unlikely stroke of luck, or a scientific breakthrough, that was only slightly more probable, that under no circumstances, until he was a man grown to his full measure, and with a steady career of his own, was he to be told the truth of his origin._

_I understand the logic… but I have to wonder…_

_Is this what Shinichi felt?_

_While at first I was angry, I have to wonder… did he feel sad, awkward, and uncertain as I do, being forced to lie to someone who you love, with all of your being, for their own good knowing they would likely feel terribly betrayed if they ever discovered the truth…_

_I can only imagine how my little Conan would feel if he discovered the truth… he would probably feel just as violated_

"_Is that why you kept scolding me for bragging, you always said Shinichi was selfrighteous , is this your way of bringing him down a peg?" "You kept me as a memento of your lover, didn't you… Ran-Neechan… I thought that you loved me!!!" I imagine among a host of a thousand other accusation's…_

_A part of me still has to wonder if he enjoyed the situation of listening to all my secrets and bathing with me, though he always seemed uncomfortable in them…_

_But what Shinichi felt…._

_That is…._

_That is…_

_That is…_

_What I can never ask…_

Hope this isn't too angst filled for you all…

A question for any reviewers is why precisely Shinichi's parents might have decided not to take custody of little conan… some more ideas on how to make it look good would be appreciated…


	2. Chapter 2

What I can Never ask…Shinichi's Purgatory…

Detective Conan is Copyright to Gosho Aoyoma.

I realize this is a flawed first chapter… but sometimes stories write themselves…

Ran sighed at the letter from school… she knew she'd have to punish Conan, for his own good…

"Conan-kun" she called over softly…

Conan gulped but came over, dragging himself over, reluctant… but not daring to dawdle…

"Conan-chan" she said, deciding the diminuitive suffix MIGHT put him in his place…

Just as expected he took it like a lash across the back…

She paused then continued, gently, but firmly…

"I just got a letter from your school… you're a very bright student…, but you've been something of a discipline problem lately"

He sighed… he KNEW he should have seen this coming.

"What Ran-Neechan I'm doing my schoolwork?" He said, though he knew that wasn't it.

:she sighed: "As I said Conan-kun Their most satisfied with your school work, well except in Music… but you've been smarting off to teacher's AGAIN… Conan-chan… I have to choice this time but to punish you"

Conan gulped, he knew she meant business, and tried to list in his head the possibilities

_Spanking_ That WAS Humiliating, but was usually over with quickly and fairly simplistic…

Grounding or restriction would almost cripple his ability to do his job.

Many of the other possibilities he imagined were worse, she might try something ridiculous like making him write "I must not" such and such many times which he found interminably boring… which, he knew, was the whole idea.

"Conan" she said picking him up in her arms and holding him to her bosom… wanting him to know she meant him no ill will. "What am I to do with you?"

Conan really wished he had an answer for her but he knew he had none…

She sighed then said "Conan-chan… I'm putting you on restriction for 4 day's… That means no TV, no friends, no sweets, back home right after school, and to bed right after dinner"

"Ran-Neechan!!!" Conan started

Ran looked at him sternly.

"Want to go for a whole week? I had half a mind to toss in a spanking along with it."

Conan gulped… _that _was something to be avoided.

"No, nee-chan" he said hanging his head low…

Ran nodded, satisfied Conan was put in his place.

She didn't like making such crass threats but children needed to behave themselves…

She gave him a slight hug

"Conan-kun, I only do this because I want you grow up to be a-"

He thought ahead of her 'good and responsible adult RIGHT?' with a wry look on his face.

"Good and responsible adult… Conan-kun, you should know by know I won't abide you back talking an adult…."

He tried to return her hug, needing the contact for a moment…

"I'll pick you up every day… It's too much, I agree to expect a 7 year old to come back right after school, when their grounded, so I wont let you be tempted. I expect to hear of progress when I go to see the teacher on Tuesday ok? Can you do that for me Conan-kun?"

Conan paused.

"I'll try… nee-chan"

Ran hugged him again.

"That's all I can ask, Conan-kun"

Conan went to bed sighing…

"Man it sucks being a 2nd grader" he grumbled.

He knew intellectually that Ran expected very little from him, she just expected him to behave himself…

'_Expects me to behave myself as a 7 year old_' He grumbled with Shinichi's mental voice.

He couldn't blame Ran for treating him like a child… if…if he if they ever got married, he really hoped she treated any children they had just they way she treated him now… well maybe not being quite as snappish.

_Ran-chan_.

He thought wistfully.

Sometimes, he wondered if this was karma. He had lived his life, in arrogance and self congratulation. It seemed almost an act from heaven that he be defeated at long last, and then rescued from death, but trapped in this small body and made to appear as a child.

_As somebody no one listens to._

To many, this might seem cynical, but Conan knew that he, as Kudo Shinichi had wasted the chance he had to be together with Ran.

Both times he had been able to temporarily regain his original form, though he had shown a new maturity in wanting no press involvement…, he had not been able to press from his lips the words he so desperately wished to speak to Ran. To tell her how he felt for her, how he longed to take her as his wife.

Chance may have played some part in it, and both times he had told himself the reversion had taken hold before he could say it… but then again, he conceded he may have been merely fooling himself…

Heaven did not owe him any more chances…

It had, also, in like measure, he conceded, rewarded him appropriately for his good deeds.

His courage, and thirst for just justice, had been answered most appropriately, by putting him in a situation where his heroism would now be, most likely forever unknown, so he would never let himself be distracted by accolades again… Even if he ever grew up again and dealt with the organization , realizing how much people judged someone based on appearance's had all but completely killed his love of reporter's, or hordes of oogling junior high school girl's.

"_I should really thank the organization for that much before I arrest them…" He thought wistfully._

He had a loving and generous big sister, 3 friends who knew of his identity, to accompany him through his strange journey, as well as the friendship, as childish as it could be of the entire junior detective league…

Even Kaitou kid was sometimes something of a friend… it certainly seemed more like friendly rivalry, then vicious enimity as time went on…

He'd even got more and more used to his mother's tendency at times to call him "Shin-chan" and suggest that he take a bath with her. He'd decided he'd try to do that at least once, before he grew too old again after all, he could understand that he might as well take advantage of the situation.

His parent's though frequently over sea's were still supportive, and that gave him strength and determination.

But the simple lie involved in his current identity continued to generate unending guilt

And he did not see this changing… not until

"Until I'm cured, or I'm found out one way or another." he said aloud…

He'd never really mentioned this to anyone, even of the few people who knew his true identity… though he'd thought of asking Haibara about it… but he was not certain WHAT he'd do after he was cured… he wouldn't be able to enter a relationship with Ran, without telling her the truth… The fact she'd be wanting to see Conan again for the rest of her life, alone made that a necessity, but he'd have a hard time BEARING telling her the truth…

Asides from the fact that would endanger both of them… she'd shown mixed reactions to the notion on those occasions she'd been close to uncovering the truth.

He knew their was more to it then the sexual connotations of her dressing him, sleeping in the same bed as him, and bathing with him.

Their was… the betrayal of trust…

He had heard many things not meant for his ear's… Her true feelings for himself amongst them.

She'd trusted Shinichi, she trusted little Conan.

But Shinichi had disappeared almost without explanation… and Conan-kun was just a mirage.

Finally he'd demonstrated he did not trust her… either to be able to keep such a secret, or to handle the risks of becoming involved in the war against the organization.

He still remained reasonably certain that was the correct decision…

But the sense that she would never, ever understand his reason's lingered, and for a moment, just a moment, he felt like he actually WAS a child, that she would never listen to him…

He only wished he could tell her…and that she'd understand his reason's and if not agree with them, at least forgive them.

This was indeed… his own personal purgatory…

And he had no idea when heaven would see fit to release him…

Little did he know… Heaven would free him quite soon, though not at all in the matter he meant.

Already writing the next chapter… would like some advice from reviewers… on how to make the Amnesia not seem staged… if anyone has an idea… (well I suppose it IS staged, so I shouldn't pretend but… any suggestions would be deeply appreciated…

I'm really grateful for all the reviews…


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